Royale w/ Cheese Report- Dicken's Inn London, England

It was the best of pubs, it was the worst of pubs. Sorry, I had to do that.

We popped into the Dicken's for lunch/dinner. Its a lovely, traditional looking 3 story plaster and timber pub absolutely covered in blooming flower boxes. Situated right on the St. Katharine's dock we walked across the creaking wooden floor boards to a large wooden table under a big window which offered a lovely view of the boats in harbor. The place was fairly busy with young families and locals and the 2 bartenders were doing a brisk business.

Ambiance score- 10. You are on the Thames, in the shadow of London Bride, in a hidden marina in an old pub. It doesn't get any better than that,

Here's where things start to head downward. I was wrangling a very active Kitty so I didn't manage to get a good photo of the burger I ordered. That is okay because it wasn't a very good burger. Okay, calling it not very good is being kind. I am not an unadventurous eater (I've had haggis- ew and black pudding- not so bad to name a few). I do not want everything to be as it is in the US (if I did why would I leave the US?) but what this pub managed to do to the burger in question is an offense to the memory of the cow which gave his life for that burger.

I am not certain how it came to be in a country that has the most spectacular butcher shops, that a beef patty was manged to be stripped of all flavor, fat and texture so much so that it tasted more like a damp sponge than a piece of meat. The chef tried to get creative and spread some sort of horrible tomato and sugar relish all over it so that when you bit into the burger you had the strange sensation of eating parmesan cheese that has been mixed with syrup- sickly sweet with a strange occasional vomit like after taste.

The sweetness of the burger (ew) could have been balanced by the addition of some briny pickles and sharp red onion. Instead they placed  flavorless pickles on the burger and a red onion the size of a quarter- not enough to counteract the awful sweetness.

The bun itself was some sort of soft roll that did not hold up to the mystery tomato concoction so as you held the burger, the bread disintegrated.

Burger Score- 3 (it wasn't burned and it was recognizable as a burger upon visual inspection

The side dish score is a little more difficult to come up with. The Brits as a whole have raised chip making to an art form. No really, they are better than waht we have in the US- usually. The Dicken's chips were not bad, not good just average and cooked from frozen which lowers their score to a 4 BUT they did serve me a perfectly pulled Guinness and yes, the Guinness here is better than we get in the US so they would get an 8 for that so we'll combine and average the score to give them a respectable total of-
Side Dish- 6

Dicken's Inn Total- 19 Go there for certain and enjoy a pint and the view but eat before you get there.

Royale w/ Cheese Report- Stomps Burger Joint Bacliff, Texas

 You've spent all day sweating it out as you work in the hot and cramped bowels of your boat. You are tired. And hungry. What to do? Get in the car, hitch a ride, take a 3 mile hike South on Hwy 146- whatever it takes to get to Bacliff. Why would you skip all the glittery, close at hand boardwalk restaurants of Kemah to ensconce yourself on a hard bench in a tiny, over crowded building? You would do this because you want a really great burger and a cold beer at about half the cost of what is available in Kemah. You do this because Stomp's Burger Joint is worth the trip.

Burger Score- 8
Big, handformed, never frozen beef. These burgers are huge and available topped with just about anything you can imagine- blue cheese w/ wing sauce, refried beans and crushed Fritos, cream cheese and jalapenos, marinated and cooked in wine (you get the idea). They lose points for not having freshly baked buns and serving them on the cool side, which could be fixed easily.

Side Dish-7
We ordered a plate of half and half. Half fries, half onion rings. Next time we know- skip the french fries until they quit using frozen fries and up their game with hand cut ones. Get the rings. Order them double dipped. Do not think about cholesterol or fat, just enjoy the onion ring makers art because that is what they do- raise onion ring making to an art.

Ambiance- 10
While Stomp's is crowded and the seating isn't exactly comfortable and they lack an awesome jukebox  to really take it over the top I am giving them a 10. The reasons for this are two fold. First and foremost, the waitstaff here is fantastic. Mark still doesn't always embrace the American custom of tipping waitstaff for doing the basics. The staff is so helpful and friendly while not being overbearing that Mark tipped happily. This speaks volumes about the quality of the staff. When the Scotsman parts with money in a cheerful manner, you know that the service is first rate.

 I also had to figure out a way to give points for value. We had 3 huge burgers, a plate of half and half, a kids meal, drinks and 3 beers. The wait staff even gave the kids Bluebell ice cream- gratis. Our grand total with tip was $34 and change. You can not do dinner for four in Kemah for even close to that and while you would pay more, it wouldn't be half as good.

Total Score- 25
 Stomp's Burger Joint is the best burger going on Galveston Bay. We will be back.

Royale with Cheese Report

Some folks are connoisseurs of fine wine. Others can debate the merits of black versus white truffles. I am a simple gal and while others will discuss the finer points of foie gras, I'll stick with what I know. Burgers. Would I really sail around the hemisphere looking for the perfect burger? You bet I would. That's not to say I won't try conch in the Bahamas or ceviche in Venezuela or torta lingua in Mexico but I will always seek out a burger, no matter where I may roam.

In order to understand the ratings, you have to know my reference points. The best burger I have ever had was at the now defunct Pat and Pete's Blues Burger. They scored a perfect 30. 10 for atmosphere, 10 for the burger itself and 10 for the side dish. Hand formed, fat ole patty cooked on a buttered grill, artisan roll lightly toasted so it soaked up all the juices without getting soggy, topped with cream cheese and jalapenos which were put on while the burger cooked so it was all a hot, gooey chin dripping mess of goodness. Side was hand cut fresh sweet potato fries- crisp on the outside and soft on the inside served with a smoky sweetand slightly hot jalapeno gravy. Tables were adorned with butcher paper upon which rested bowls of unshelled peanuts. The floor in the 100 year old brick building was littered with peanut shells as you made your way to the Mother of All JukeBoxes- Stevie Wonder, Lightnng Hopkins, Aretha Franklin, Indigo Girls, Nine Inch Nails and Lou Reed. The beer was served at 38 degrees. Perfect.

The worst burger I have ever attempted to eat was at a roadside diner in Hayti, Missouri. Cheerless flourescent light shined down upon formica tables bereft of any adornment. The only sound the whoomp-whoomp of a ceiling fan that was badly out of balance When asked what was good, the bored and sullen young waitress said that the burgers were "okay". She was guilty of extreme embellishment, the burgers were inedible. Harder than the proverbial hockey puck, served on a  cold bun with a slab of Velveeta twelve years later I still remember it vividly. Side dish was ostensibly french fries or at least that is what the box in the freezer was labeled. Attempting to eat the so called fries was akin to chewing on wooden match sticks. They scored a 1 for ambiance because the place did have ac. That was also their grand total- 1.

So now you know the high mark and the low mark. In the future, you'll be able to find burger reviews by searching the tag 'Royale with Cheese Report'. It will be local for a while but soon enough it will be worldwide. I think its time I gave back to the blogging world and since you will never find tips on sail trim here (nor would you want to follow my lead) or step by step how tos, my little deposit in the karma bank will be to help you find what's really important- a good burger and a cold beer.